i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This toilet bowl is my home.
His nipple licking is glorious
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