3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
