I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
