I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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