we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
