Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
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