Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
