I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
