Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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