Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
