Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
