I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
