i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
