i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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