My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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