help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.