guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
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The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.