hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.