so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.