I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
