If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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