the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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