I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
