I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
