youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
