this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
