He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
