A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
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My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
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honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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