The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
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My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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