I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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