Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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