Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
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A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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