am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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