my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
