I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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