the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
