R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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