It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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