Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
