hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
