i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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