i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
