Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
