my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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