I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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