You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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