where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
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