I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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