I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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