I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
