Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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