Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
