3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
