If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Idk if I want to put a bra on
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
