i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
