I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I puked a lego.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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