this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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