I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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