You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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