I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
