If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I am available for nakedness
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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