In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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