Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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