I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
